Well I am going to start by saying how extremely excited I am by the very kind comments people have been emailing me about the Polka Dot fat book project I have done.

When it comes to pretty much all forms of art, my confidence is at its absolute lowest. I never felt I had sincere, honest & true to form feedback from what I have done. The only time I can remember feeling proud about something is when I created a crewel embroidery piece for my biological parents when it was their 15th anniversary. (I believe it was for their 15th… it’s been years and years, so I cannot remember precisely right now) anyhow, the piece was professionally framed which of course thrilled me to no end. It was hung up on a wall so anyone who walked into the house could see it from where they were standing and just look at the top of the steps of the wall to see the work. The piece I did had a quote, “Happiness is being married to your best friend”… Every time I used to walk up the stairs, I would look at the work and it always made me feel good. Sadly the art work has been sent back to me. I still have it but will not open it up. It’s put away as I consider it bad luck to open it or give it to anyone else for fear things will go wrong.

My biological mother is an absolutely excellent sewer. She has an unbelievable gift when it comes to creating whatever her heart desires. She creates her own designs and to this very day I have not seen some of the unique things she has made for my daughters anywhere else. I've seen thousands of what she does but nothing nearly or even close to how she creates it. Unfortunately at the time she wouldn't sell such stuff. I have no earthly clue if she sells such stuff or not since then. However she does just absolutely lovely work. Perhaps someday I’ll put the things she has made in the album or on the blog. It's been many, many years since I haven't had a mother. It's been since 1989 when I last saw my biological family. I’m sure you can understand & appreciate why I just cannot do that at this time.

I remember the tension that I could feel building up in my biological mother when I asked on her on occasion if I could please use her sewing machine. She would usually say not now... another time... However, there was one time I was actually able to convince her to let me use the sewing machine. I made a Raggedy Ann doll and in my opinion I think the doll turned out beautifully for a first time sewer. I'm quite sure it could have been done much better per my biological mother's expectations. I do sincerely wish my mother would have had the patience to sit down & teach me how to sew.

I’m fully aware of the fact that I can always do better and this is precisely the issue I have been dealing with for years and years. I am not able to jump in with both feet and just go for it and start creating what I have in mind. Whatever I have in mind ends up stressing me out because I am always researching ways to improve on what I have in mind which in effect delays what I need to do!

Art has always been something I have had a burning love & desire to do for as long as I can remember. If anyone puts me in a state where there's nothing but artists all over the place (if there's such a place) I would be in heaven... I really would. It would just be very difficult to remove me from such a place! I'm the same way when I'm at Borders or at Barnes & Nobles. I live for book stores! Do you have any IDEA what it is like to have to wait for a true bead weaving book to come out? Argh! I usually see books on stringing which isn't quite my forte.

I was so happy to receive such lovely comments about the Polka Dot fat book project or as some others call it the "Dotty" project.... I was a true train wreck not just at different times... but every single second the entire project was going on. I know some people have been doing what I've done just for the first time in my life, they've been doing for YEARS and YEARS... and are a hundred times better than me in every which way because they have practice and tons of wisdoms of how to do and whatnot to do under their belt... I of course worried myself to the point I was like block of ice. I was very stiff the entire time I worked on the project HOWEVER.... I truly enjoyed everything I did. As I was working on the project I kept saying to myself... I know no one is going to like this... I concerned there would probably be way too many who are in the same project using buttons, stickers, wrapping papers with dots on it... I had to think of something completely different from 'the norm'... I guess I'm just one of those who seriously like to and have to be unique. I do not like copying at all. I depend on inspiration. I explained in my earlier posts how I become inspired and my how my thoughts stray about (in a positive & productive way). Straying about in thoughts sometimes bring several ideas to mind from things that I have seen and have been inspired by. I received a few comments... It's the few comments that really help lift my self-esteem a little more. Maybe I am not as bad as I think I may be?

With just the few compliments I have received per the unique & strange project I have done with the Polka Dot Fat Book project, I am encouraged to aspire to the best that I can be & eventually be called a true artisan.